Friday, 3 May 2013

Education Jokes

A mother walked into her son's room and said cheerfully, "Up. Up. It's time to go to school."
The son replied, "I don't want to go to school."
"You have to go," the mother said.
"I hate that school. The kids are mean and rotten."
"You still have to go, " exclaimed the mother.
"It's like jungle. One fight after another. They threaten me at least 100 times a day!" cried the son.
"You have to go to school!!"
"Why must I go?" pleaded the son.
"Because," replied the mother, "You are the principal!"
A teacher was talking to her class about the Mason Dixon line. She then asked, "What does this line divide?" 
A student replied, "This line divides the 'you all' from the 'youse guys' people of America.
TEACHER: "Can someone give me a sentence using the word
'archaic' in it?"
STUDENT: "We can't have our archaic and eat it too."
TEACHER:  "Here is a math problem.  If your dad earned $300 dollars a week and he gave your mother half, what would she have?"
STUDENT: "A heart attack."
TEACHER:  "If I divided a piece of beef into four pieces,
what would I get?"
STUDENT: "Quarters"
TEACHER: "Right. Now if I divided the quarters again into halves what would I get?"
STUDENT: "Eighths."
TEACHER: "Right. Now if I divided those 8 pieces each into 8 more pieces what would I have?"
STUDENT: "Hamburger."
A teacher wrote home to a student's parents:
"If you don't believe half of what he says goes on in school, then I won't believe half of what he says goes on at home either."
The teachers were being feted by a number of business groups in the neighborhood. At the end of his welcoming speech, the head of the Chamber of Commerce said, raising his wineglass, "Long live our teachers!!" 
A voice in the back said, "On what?"
How do you play hooky from correspondence school?
Send them an empty envelope.
When I went to school I was the head cheerleader.
"Did you learn the 3 R's?"
"Indeed. RAh! Rah! Rah!"
Teacher: "What is the purpose of having school?"
Student: Without school there wouldn't be a reason for
holidays and summer vacation.

One kid was so bad, his parents went to PTA meetings under an assumed name.

A young man came home with a terribly unsatisfactory report card in January. "Oh dear," said his mother, "what is the trouble?"
"There isn't any trouble," said the boy. "You know yourself things always get marked down after the holidays."
An 8 yr. old was giving his kid brother some advice as the younger one was about to go off to school for the first time.
"Don't learn how to spell 'car', because if you do, after that the words just keep getting harder and harder.
A teacher asked, "What did Paul Revere say at the end of his famous ride?"
A student said, "Whoa!!!"
A new teacher, trying to make use of her psychology courses, started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."  After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No Ma'am, "he said. "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
A school kid asks his teacher, "Is it true that the law of gravity keeps us on Earth?"
The teacher replied, "Yes."
The kid then asked, "What kept us before the law was passed?"
"Son, I'm worried about your being at the bottom of the class."
"Pop, they teach the same stuff at both ends."
Children of Distinction: The promising 7 yr. old was given the difficult assignment in class of describing the taste of chocolate ice cream in a single sentence.
"Chocolate," she explained, "tastes the opposite of vanilla."
PROFESSOR: "This essay on your dog is, word for word, the same as your brother's."
STUDENT: "Yes, sir, it's the same dog."
Mr. Clemenceau posted a sign in the classroom stating,
"Because of a conference, Mr. Clark will not teach his classes tomorrow."
One of his smart-alecky pupils erased the "c" in classes.
Aware of such student pranks, Mr. Clark then erased the "L."
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled. "Now, sit down at that table and write 500 times, 'I will not pass through a red light."
"What is the plural of man, Willie?" asked the teacher.
"Men," he answered.
"And, what is the plural of child?"
"Twins," replied Willie.
From the examination paper of a 9 yr. old Chicago hopeful named Larry Wolters:
"Nathan Haley said, 'I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country.' This statement has come to be known as Haley's Comment.
The teacher asked: "What was the name of the person in Greek mythology who was half man and half animal?"
Billy raised his hand. "Yes?" the teacher acknowledged.
"Buffalo Bill," replied Billy.
The teacher said I must learn to write more legibly," the child told his mother.  "But, if I do, she'll find out that I can't spell."

TEACHER:  "Petey, every day since school started you've been late. Why?"
PETEY:  "It's not my fault! There's a sign at almost every crossing that says, 'go slow'."
A teacher was asked to fill out a special questionnaire for the state. One question said, "Give two reasons for entering the teaching profession."
The teacher wrote: "July and August."
A country school board had a teacher prospect in to size him up. One member asked him whether the earth was round or flat.  He didn't bat an eye.  "I don't know how you people feel about it, but I can teach it either way."
TEACHER:  "What is a synonym?"
STUDENT: " A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one."

FIRST STUDENT: "How old is Profession Smith?"
SECOND STUDENT: "Pretty old. They say he used to teach Shakespeare."

FATHER: "Tell me how school went today. How do you like it?"
BILLY: "It's hard to like a place that's haunted, dad."
FATHER: "Haunted! What do you mean?"
BILLY: "It's that new teacher of mine...she keeps talking about the school spirit."

TEACHER:  "Now Billy, what do we mean by plural?"
BILLY: "By plural we mean it's the same thing, only more of it."
When the teacher asked in what part of the world the most ignorant people were to be found, a small boy volunteered quickly, "In New York."
The teacher was amazed and asked the boy how he obtained his information.
"Well," he replied, "the geography says that's where the population is the most dense."
Little Billy brought home his report card. His mother took him to task for all the low grades.  Little Billy responded, "It's got it's good side too.  You know darn well I'm not cheating."
I was casting kids....for our annual Christmas play and I was giving our choices such as shepherds, lambs, villagers etc.
One 5 yr. old boy couldn't decide so I said, "Johnny, you can be a villager." 
Johnny replied, "OK"...and ran over to his parents.  Very excited he said to them, "Guess what? I get to be a mini-van!"
TEACHER:  "What is an Indian wife called?"
GIRL: "A squaw."
TEACHER: "Right. And what are Indian babies called?"
GIRL: "Swawkers!"

BILLY:  "I got a hundred in school today."
MOTHER: "That's great dear. What was it in?"
BILLY: "Two things. I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in Arithmetic."
When one teacher told his class to write the longest sentence they could compose, a bright kid wrote: "Imprisonment for Life!"
TEACHER: "Sarah, what was the first thing James the First did on coming to the throne?"
SARAH: "He sat down."
SON: Dad, I just graduated and I got my B.A.
MOM:  I suppose now you'll be trying for a Ph.D?
POP: No, he's going to be trying for a J.O.B.
TEACHER: "Can somone tell me what an 'operetta' is?"
STUDENT: "Easy. It's  a woman who works for the phone company.
TEACHER: "Can someone tell me what the 'status quo' is?"
STUDENT: "That's a fancy name for the mess most of us are in."
The teacher was telling the story of Christoper Columbus and how many thought that the world was flat.  Then she had mentioned that the world was really round interrupted...
"Miss Smith, the world is square, not round," said Johnny.
"No, it's round Johnny.  Who told you it was square?" replied the teacher.
"My older brother.  He claims he's been to all 4 corners of the earth."
A teacher caught a student cheating on his Botany exam and brought him into the principal's office.
"Miss Smith, "asked the principal. "How do you know Johnny was cheating?"
"Because," replied Miss Smith, "I found that he had 7 flowers tucked inside his jacket and a bunch of pollen up his sleeve.  This makes me very concerned about tomorrow's exam  and what he might use to cheat on that. So I thought I'd better inform you of this now."
"What is tomorrow's exam?" asked the principal.
"Sir, it's an anatomy exam," replied the teacher.
"I have to go to the gymnasium to get graduated" said the Senior.
"That's a funny place to graduate," replied his friend.
"Well, look at the card. It says: Come to the Graduation Exercises."

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?

JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

*Teacher: ‘Craig, you know you can't sleep in my class.'
Craig: 'I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.'

*Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."
From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."
*Does it count as differentiated instruction if I print their worksheets in different colors?
*Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

*What do you call a teacher without students?

*Teachers deserve a lot of credit. Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
*Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of
Pupil: Life imprisonment!

*Where do door-makers get their education?
The school of hard knocks

*What do you call a teacher without students?
Broke…oh wait, that’s a regular teacher

*Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection?
Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!

Kid comes home from 1st day at school. Mum asks, 'What did you learn today?' Kid replies, 'Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.'

Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not
Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

* ~ There is one person in our district who is all about “No Child Left Behind”
~ Who’s that?
~ The bus driver

*What kinds of tests do they give witches?

*Teacher: You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you ?
Pupil: How did you know ?
Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"!

*The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

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